MENTAL HEALTH

…Those who have never had a panic attack find it hard to understand, and those who have had one find it hard to ever forget. You can’t breathe, you can’t speak, and the worst thing anyone can try to do is help. It’s over quickly, but scarily it can pop up again anytime. There’s no real prevention, and short of medicating myself to the point of numbness, there is no cure. For now, just leave me the fuck alone in this dark, cold room and let me put ice in my bra. I’ll be fine in about 20 minutes.

I grew up in a household with a 6-foot tall, 200-pound, angry gorilla that took out his rage on myself, my mother, and my little brother. My dad has struggled with his mental health his entire life.

I know my upbringing is a big part of the reason I have anxiety. I know that genetics do their fair share too.

I’m anxious about everything, but especially around being perfect in every aspect of my life and in how I show up for others. When I was little, if everything wasn’t just right, the outcome wasn’t pretty. Anxiety was a driving force that helped me avoid bad outcomes, or so I thought. The more anxious I was, the harder I worked towards perfectionism, so I had less to fear. It’s irrational thinking, and I know that now.

Anxiety isn’t protecting me.

I don’t paint dreams or nightmares. I paint my own reality - Frida Kahlo

I am currently sitting on my bed. A glass of wine sitting beside me and I hear the noises of an awesome husband and excited little one filing up each room of our house.

As I sit here, I think of Frida. How she paints. How her vibrant colors merge together so effortlessly. Nothing is forced. Her self-portraits are honest portrayals of how she feels. Every brush stroke has meaning.

She has an honesty about herself and she allows herself to… feel…

…This is also what spirals my brain into a spaghetti-like mess, with every noodle touching the other and when you move one, the whole plate moves. Completing a task is never just completing a task, that task is a domino in a long line of perfectly set up dominos. One wrong move and the very worst thing could happen. They all fall…With a brain swirling around and around like spaghetti on a fork, slipping and sliding, I get overwhelmed, often. Throughout my life, the dominos falling, the things I’ve built have crashed and burned, and these circumstances have triggered this feeling of overwhelm to the point of complete burnout, utter panic, sitting in the floor of the shower with the water beating on my head as I count and try to breathe. I feel like I am drowning,  like I am gasping for air. The walls are closing in, and I am anchored to the bottom of a deep, dark, pool. 

Anonymous Contributor

MAY: Mental Health

Standing in the Eye A life surrounded by the storm of mental illness. I explained once to my counselor how my aunt died when I was young. That she’d taken her own life and it was the first - but not the last - time suicide touched our family. For me, this seemed the beginning of my story…

One day back in October 2017, I was scrolling through Facebook (procrastinating) and came across a TEDTalk video of a person named Jessica McCabe on “What it’s really like to live with ADHD.” My friend had shared it, commenting that she herself has ADHD and she wants people to understand it better, beyond its stereotypes. I decided to watch out of curiosity.

McCabe described what her life was like from childhood all the way up to present day, at 34 years old. Her story included getting diagnosed with ADHD as a child. I didn’t really see many similarities between her and myself beyond being a smart kid with lots of potential that ended up having no idea what she was doing with her life at 32. I was 31 at the time, and while I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life, I’d been stuck at the idea stage for YEARS with no real plan. I’d barely moved the needle on it…