AUTHOR: Anonymous

I grew up in a household with a 6-foot tall, 200-pound, angry gorilla that took out his rage on myself, my mother, and my little brother. My dad has struggled with his mental health his entire life.

I know my upbringing is a big part of the reason I have anxiety. I know that genetics do their fair share too.

I’m anxious about everything, but especially around being perfect in every aspect of my life and in how I show up for others. When I was little, if everything wasn’t just right, the outcome wasn’t pretty. Anxiety was a driving force that helped me avoid bad outcomes, or so I thought. The more anxious I was, the harder I worked towards perfectionism, so I had less to fear. It’s irrational thinking, and I know that now.

Anxiety isn’t protecting me.

My anxiety shows up in a lot of different ways. It arrives whenever the fuck it wants to, stays as long or as little as it likes. It’s like the houseguest that doesn’t catch the hint that it’s time to get out.

Anxiety likes to make its presence clear when I least expect it. It likes to show up even when I'm excited about fun things, like parties or a massage. You see, my brain doesn’t differentiate "real" threats from "regular" threats or excitement, so I get anxious about it all.

Everyone's anxiety or panic looks different. Here’s some insight into what mine looks like:

Throwing up and having diarrhea while planning the “perfect” birthday party for my daughter. This is my most frequent symptom – I've lived with what feels like the stomach flu most of the days of my life.
Shaking like I’ve got hypothermia while getting my eyebrows waxed. Sorry, Cindy, I actually like being here contrary to how I'm acting.
Heart pounding like I’ve run a marathon when I’m sitting in a bath thinking about a simple coffee date the next day.
Dizziness to where I almost faint in the grocery store because I’m afraid it would be an inconvenience for the grocery clerk. Yep, I worry about how every transaction I'm involved in would affect someone else if I panicked in any way.
Racing thoughts deafening the world around me. I can’t hear anything anyone is saying in a regular conversation over all the “what if/worse case scenarios” screaming at me.
Anger because I am scared that I’m going to make something uncomfortable for someone else due to my panic attack. Mad because I am sick and tired of feeling this way. My "cognitive brain" knows better.
Uncomfortable in my own skin because I don’t like the way I’m physically feeling, and I don’t know when it’s going to show up. The "trauma brain" as my counselor calls it is a strong force, but so am I.
Adrenal fatigue (look that up) where I have to sleep for a full day after attending a simple event.

A culmination of shitty events, a health scare, a lifetime of worry, and some deep emotions led up to an epiphany for me this year. Something went off in my head and it said, enough is enough. Stop wasting your life worrying about the worst-case scenarios and just let them happen. Mind you – 99% of the scenarios that I worry about are HIGHLY unlikely to occur.

I’ve spent more time worrying about what might happen than I have living in the moment that is actually happening.

So what helped me flip the switch and keep it that way? It’s not easy, it’s work, but it’s worth it. Here’s what finally works for me, and my anxiety is visiting less and less!

I see a counselor at least once a month. Hashing out my feelings in a judgment-free environment is key to survival.
I quit drinking. This one is the total game-changer. I was drinking for years trying to numb this never-ending vicious anxiety-driven brain. Now I know where my feelings are stemming from – not having to guess if it’s a hangover or if I’m drunk at 11 am. *One day I’ll sing from the mountain tops how I did this without AA (more power to those of you that attend meetings though). If you at all question if you drink too much, definitely read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace.
I see a naturopath – one that ran a ton of blood tests and got me on the right supplements that support my physical and mental wellbeing. I had some major uses with vitamin deficiencies and really high levels in other areas that weren’t identified in a regular CBC panel.
I take CBD full-spectrum hemp oil every morning at the same time. And woman oh woman, that has been such a fricking blessing! It doesn't have the effects that smoking weed does, it just helps me maintain a less anxiety-driven brain. I take a little extra on super anxious days.
I surround myself with like-minded, encouraging, and outgoing women. Don't worry, they all have struggles of their own and that's why I love them even more.
I exercise, meditate, and drink lots of water every day (outside if possible). Lord I hate those blogs that act like they have this breakthrough discovery and then all they tell you is to meditate, do yoga, and drink lots of water.

Okkkkayyyy, I get it, Karen. If it was that easy, I would have fixed my anxiety years ago. But dammit – Karen was on to something, and if you add her list of shit in with other stuff that works for you – I promise there are brighter days ahead for you.

There are still days that anxiety rears its ugly head, but they are much fewer and far between. Is it hard work to fight back against anxiety? Fuck yes it is! It’s totally worth it though.

So hold yourself gently, know that you are not alone, and there is hope for comfort for us all!

Your path to a less anxious life exists!

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