One day back in October 2017, I was scrolling through Facebook (procrastinating) and came across a TEDTalk video of a person named Jessica McCabe on “What it’s really like to live with ADHD.” My friend had shared it, commenting that she herself has ADHD and she wants people to understand it better, beyond its stereotypes. I decided to watch out of curiosity.
McCabe described what her life was like from childhood all the way up to present day, at 34 years old. Her story included getting diagnosed with ADHD as a child. I didn’t really see many similarities between her and myself beyond being a smart kid with lots of potential that ended up having no idea what she was doing with her life at 32. I was 31 at the time, and while I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life, I’d been stuck at the idea stage for YEARS with no real plan. I’d barely moved the needle on it.
I had an idea of what I wanted to do with my life, I’d been stuck at the idea stage for YEARS with no real plan.
However, as McCabe started getting more into the details of how ADHD affects the brain, and separating the misconceptions from realities in terms of what it looks like for people who have it, my mind was blown!
“Girls, adults, and gifted students can have it too…”
“Being hyper, misbehaving, or struggling in school does not mean you have ADHD.”
Everyone experiences symptoms of ADHD sometimes (like losing your keys or spacing out during a lecture). “Just like you can get sad and not have depression, you can get distracted and not have ADHD.”
ADHD is on a spectrum. “Just like you can have mild depression or severe depression, ADHD can range from mild to severe.”
ADHD brains have a skewed sense of time, resulting in a tendency to run late. Utilizing timers can help with understanding how long it takes to do things.
“ADHD” is a TERRIBLE name for the disorder, because it creates so much confusion. People with ADHD DON’T have a deficit of attention! What they have trouble with is regulating their attention.
“It’s like your brain keeps switching between 30 different channels, and somebody else has the remote.” Sometimes, people with ADHD have trouble focusing at all, and sometimes they get stuck on a channel and can’t pull themselves away.
“ADHD affects more than focus... that’s why medication alone isn’t enough. It impairs executive functions like planning, prioritizing, and the ability to sustain effort towards a goal.”
ADHD is “not people who won’t stop fidgeting, or getting distracted; it’s brains that are chronically underaroused, trying to get the basic level of stimulation all brains need. It’s not about procrastination, or not caring; it’s having executive function deficits that make it hard to get started. It’s not people being lazy, or not trying enough; it’s kids and adults struggling to succeed with a brain that doesn’t always want to cooperate.”
“…stuggling to succeed with a brain that doesn’t always want to cooperate.”
After hearing McCabe say that last part, I cried. I identified SO much!
Here’s a few other more fun & positive facts:
People with ADHD are 300% more likely to start their own business.
ADHD brains are GREAT for working on tasks that are urgent and ideas that are new.
When it comes to wrestling with challenging problems, people with ADHD are major assets due to their tendency to think outside the box.
I resonated with so many of the ADHD descriptors mentioned!
Failure to “Adult”
After getting married, my husband had encouraged me to quit the job I was unhappy with anyway, and pursue photography (what I’d gotten my degree in). I quit the job, but years had gone by without me accomplishing much in my own business. I’d barely built a portfolio and had ended up babysitting “on the side” to help myself feel better. I’d say I “didn’t know what to do” when it came to being a business owner. I didn’t even realize it was an excuse.
To compensate, I tried to play the housewife, making myself appear busy with cleaning and laundry to justify my lack of progress. But I wasn’t much of a cook, and I never prioritized things like grocery shopping or meal planning. We’d end up figuring out what to do for dinner after he got home from work, and we’d go grocery shopping together on the weekends. Marriage works when you’re a team, but I was not a good teammate. He felt like all the burden was on him because he couldn’t count on me for much.
My husband had been so patient with me for so long, but his tolerance for my bullshit was dwindling. When we’d fight about it, after going around in circles forever due to my defensiveness and excuses, I’d eventually see reason, cry, and feel hopeless, saying “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
When I looked around, I saw people setting goals and accomplishing them, and starting new habits and sticking to them. Why couldn’t I do that? I’d set goals and end up feeling like I’d already failed 48 hours later. Failure at a task or acknowledgment of blame or mistakes meant I was a failure, and being a “failure” meant I was unworthy. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my self-esteem decreased immensely.
Failure at a task or acknowledgment of blame or mistakes meant I was a failure, and being a “failure” meant I was unworthy.
I knew what I needed to do but I didn’t know how to make myself change.
Giving Therapy a Try
After watching the TEDTalk video that day, I set out to discover if ADHD could be the thing that was “wrong” with me.
It took a few months for me to take tangible action, but in January 2018 I made an appointment with a therapist through my insurance provider at the time. In truth, I was hoping I did have ADHD… It’d be an easy way to excuse my lack of accomplishments and justify my failures.
Unfortunately, my first experience with therapy wasn’t great. Regarding procrastination, the therapist told me that I’ve “just gotta do it.” I knew he was right, but I was at least hoping for some insight into why I procrastinated or some methods for tackling it.
During our session, he didn’t seem to be convinced I had ADHD, but to his credit, he did refer me to come back and take some kind of test. It ended up being a computer test, where letters pop up on the screen randomly and when you see an “x” you indicate it by hitting a button. The test results didn’t indicate that I had ADHD, and I was pretty disappointed.
After speaking with people knowledgeable on the subject, I discovered a computer test is not the most accurate or trusted way to diagnose ADHD. But I knew as long as I had insurance through that particular provider, diagnosis would be an uphill battle. One year, and a city (and insurance) change later, I still hadn’t made much progress on my own. I decided to try again.
Diagnosis at 33
In April 2019 I had the first meeting with my new therapist. I mentioned my previous experience with therapy, as well as the failed ADHD computer test, but seeking a diagnosis was not the main topic of conversation. She must have had her suspicions though, because at the beginning of our second appointment she said, “we’re going to do a questionnaire today if that’s ok with you.” After we completed it together, she referred me to a psychiatrist for a potential diagnosis. One month of anxious waiting later, I received an ADHD diagnosis and began taking medication.
The day I took Adderall for the first time, I cried tears of happiness and relief. It felt like a miracle! It wasn’t until then that I realized my brain without medication was a foggy and unfocused mess. I never had anything to compare it to before, so I’d had no idea. So this is what it’s like to think clearly!
I’d love to tell you that after diagnosis and medication everything fell into place for me, but I’d be lying. They say adults diagnosed with ADHD tend to make the mistake of expecting medication to solve all their problems. I totally did that too. But medication has 100% improved my quality of life!
I’d love to tell you that after diagnosis and medication everything fell into place for me, but I’d be lying.
A New Sense of Clarity
Before the meds, I was terribly forgetful. For example, as a kid when my mom asked me to do something like empty the dishwasher, I would unconsciously respond saying, “ok,” without even processing what she’d asked of me. (Usually, because I was so intently focused on a tv show or a daydream in my head.) Later, she’d ask why I hadn’t done it, and I’d have no idea what she was talking about! And now I was constantly doing the same thing with my husband, which was a big frustration for him.
With medication though, a situation like that rarely happens. When it does, it serves as an indicator to me that something’s not working! Usually, I only have to think about it for a second to realize I’ve either forgotten to take my meds at all, or they’ve worn off because it’s the end of the day.
My meds help me stay focused, which in turn helps me be present. I’m able to live in the moment enough to pay attention to what people say to me and remain observant. This absolutely improves my memory!
Medication also helps tasks not feel so overwhelming. Things feel more achievable and less daunting. I can stay on top of things easier and am more willing to get to work and do what needs to be done.
But there are things medication doesn’t help. Like prioritization and breaking big tasks down into smaller steps, things I still struggle with daily.
Where medication fails, therapy, meditation, and mindset work help.
Discovering New Resources and Strategies
Thanks to therapy, I learned to practice mindfulness. Developing that skill was necessary for understanding how and when the medication was working, in order to find the right dosage.
With mindfulness and meditation, I realized the ways I’d been out of control in my own life. I saw my tendency to be reactive in certain situations or with specific people, rather than conscious. I began to understand that just because I have a thought, it doesn’t mean that thought is true! And thanks to The Holistic Psychologist Instagram account, I learned what the difference was between my soul and my ego.
I had major road rage before I began practicing mindfulness, but now when I’m able to stay present (which still isn’t always) I’m able to control my reactions. My relationship with my husband is so much better now! And I know that my ability to practice mindfulness is a HUGE help when it comes to navigating disagreements, or even just daily annoyances… who knew that simply not engaging or “correcting” when he was grumpy could alleviate so many arguments?! Ha!
A few resources absolutely helped me along my journey. The Enneagram helped me see parts of myself I’d never have noticed or accepted on my own. A couple of podcasts introduced me to new concepts and strategies to implement - one called “Unf*ck Your Brain” and another called “The Perfectionism Project.” If I’m 100% honest, those podcasts probably helped me just as much as therapy itself!
I discovered The Perfectionism Project after I’d been in therapy for over 6 months already. It was KEY for me in acknowledging that perfectionism was a major personal roadblock. I’d described myself as a perfectionist for as long as I could remember, but once I started learning more about it, my eyes were opened to how deeply it affected my life and hindered my growth.
I’d described myself as a perfectionist for as long as I could remember, but once I started learning more about it, my eyes were opened to how deeply it affected my life and hindered my growth.
I came to the conclusion that perfectionism is what’s held me back the most, even more than ADHD!
In speaking with my psychiatrist about it, she agreed. She told me she’d suspected there was something more at play for me besides the ADHD, considering I seemed to be more on the mild end of the spectrum.
Redefining “Consistency”
The Perfectionism Project also taught me that I needed to redefine my definition of consistency. My perfectionistic tendencies kept me in a fixed, “all or nothing” mindset. If I’d made a plan and subsequently fallen off even once, the plan was ruined. I couldn’t describe myself as consistent unless follow through happened 100% of the time. I had no self-trust or self-compassion.
The reality is, no human would’ve been able to meet the expectations I had for myself. If instead, I defined consistency as “more often than not,” I’d end up much closer to my goals. Having a “growth mindset” meant being more flexible and showing myself compassion. With a growth mindset, you’re able to recognize that strict adherence is highly unlikely. Perseverance, rather than perfection, becomes the goal.
This concept really clicked for me when Sam (from the podcast), used an example of two people with opposite mindsets setting a goal to run every weekday for 12 weeks. The person with a fixed mindset might end up running every day for a week or two, before inevitably missing a day. As a result, they feel all is lost and quit trying. Even if the person with a growth mindset only goes for a run 40 or 50% of the weekdays within the 12 weeks, they still end up with much more to show for it than our fixed-mindset friend.
After switching to more of a growth mindset, sticking to new habits is so much easier. I don’t “make it mean anything” about me when I forget things or miss a day.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in May of 2019, one year ago. This last year has been one consumed with education, self-discovery, breakthroughs, and new habits.
Celebrating Failure
I learned that I needed to revamp my definition of and relationship with the concept of failure. Despite what I always believed about it, failure is not a bad thing! When you fail, you learn things you never would have otherwise. Failure doesn’t come without striving, and striving is necessary for growth. The only failures that could really cause me harm are (1) allowing my fear of failure to keep me from even making an attempt, or (2) after experiencing what feels like a failure, I fail to pick myself up and try again.
Failure doesn’t come without striving, and striving is necessary for growth.
Putting the Relationship with Myself First
Mindfulness has brought about more self-awareness. I can feel when I’m stressed or anxious and can turn to self-care. (I actually understand what “self-care” means now, and why it’s necessary!)
I’ve started working out, and it’s not to lose weight or impress anyone. The desire to exercise comes from knowing that it’s good for me...for both my ADHD brain and the longevity of my life. Exercise is a great act of self-care because it involves (1) prioritizing myself, and (2) de-stressing my body and mind. Journaling is another self-care practice I’ve implemented. It helps me remember and process my “ah-ha” moments and breakthroughs. I take vitamins and supplements regularly now because I can finally remember!
I’ve moved from a knowledge of what’s “good for me” to a real understanding.
We all hear people talk about the importance of exercise, meditation, journaling, eating healthy, and getting quality levels of sleep. I knew these things were good for me at a conceptual level before, but now I have truly experienced how necessary they are for me to function at my best.
These days I’m kinder to myself. I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone more, especially with my business. I’m setting goals and working toward them...even writing this blog is evidence of that! The process of writing this has been incredibly therapeutic. I feel accomplished and proud of myself, and have become reacquainted with my love of writing!
Grateful and Inspired
Despite how long it’s taken me to get to this point, I wouldn’t change anything. If I had never quit my job, this whole self-discovery journey might not have ever gotten off the ground. I could still be struggling to “adult,” with a typical 9-5 job or without an ADHD diagnosis.
I’m eternally grateful for the people in my life who’ve pointed me in the right direction, mentored me, shown me grace and patience, and given me second chances (ESPECIALLY my husband)! I share my story in the hopes that it might help others. I’ve come this far thanks to others who shared.